I hate the American flag.
I do. I actually dislike — intensely — the stars and stripes. Old Glory makes me want to vomit. That Star Spangled Banner can wave o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave all it wants, but keep it the hell off my lawn.
Funny thing is, I didn’t used to feel like this. Somehow, in this post-9/11 world, this bad taste in my mouth has become an acquired one. Back in those heady days at the dawn of this decade/century/millennium, I reacted to my nation’s colors much as anyone else in this country would: with sincere pride for the American experiment, and respect for those who gave their lives to protect it.
You know what, though? I still feel those things. But as I watch this hollow, relatively meaningless “rah rah” bullshit continue, with American flags sticking out of everything that can possibly support one (or twenty), I have come to realize that I’m not a huge fan of that red, white and blue mess.
For one thing, it’s ugly. Really, step back and be objective about this for a minute. Take a good, long look at a flag. (And if you don’t see one, turn your head. I can almost guarantee there’s one within your field of vision someplace.) It’s a hideous design — far too busy to actually stir any genuine emotions outside those we have been programmed to feel about it. I mean, one star for every state was an okay idea when there were 13 states. But 50 stars and 13 stripes, all crammed into that tiny space just doesn’t work for me.
I guess, in a way, it reflects us though: it’s really “in your face” and unafraid to be the ugliest thing in front of the UN. In a way, I sorta miss ol’ “Don’t Tread on Me.” That was a fun flag, like a permanent editorial cartoon. “Hey, what’s that crazy snake doin’ now?”
Here’s the thing that really gets me, though: people take this whole symbolism thing way too seriously. Come on, people, it’s just a piece of cloth. I get what it symbolizes, and I understand that it’s important to give people a basic icon to represent all that’s good and decent about these United States. But mom, apple pie and baseball are symbols, too. And one day, mom’s going to die. The apple pie’s going to go bad. And baseball is going to be really corrupt and boring. Some of these things may have already happened. Does that make America any less great?
No.
What does make America less great is this “government as a parent” mentality. Honestly, if you burn the flag, America is still here. If someone takes the flag, all they have is a piece of cloth. Yes, I get the symbolic value, for heaven’s sake. Let’s be respectful of those things we consider important. But let’s also try always to be realistic about things. I just can’t imagine a person on a battlefield actually losing his life to protect one scrap of cloth, regardless of what it symbolizes. Die, if you must, defending the freedom and loyalty it symbolizes. I respect that more than our fighting men and women will ever know, and I freely admit that I’m too scared to do it myself. But when it comes down to “you or the piece of cloth,” I sincerely hope that you’re running for your life, soldier. Because your life is a living, useful representation of this country, not just a colorful abstraction. We need you. We have enough flags already.
Like I said before, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I hadn’t had the flag crammed so far down my throat since four Septembers ago. That was a very scary time for all of us, and I guess most people have fallen back on something that they find comforting. So we get flags and “god bless America” everywhere. Get this, though: I hate the flag and I don’t believe in god. And guess what? I STILL LOVE AMERICA. Praise Jesus, it’s actually possible.
And while we’re talking about flags, let’s discuss the Confederate flag for a second. For the last goddamn time: you lost. Don’t give me that bullshit about heritage, because that orange thing with the X was a battle flag, not a national flag. It didn’t symbolize the Confederacy — it symbolized the Confederate soldiers fighting to preserve states’ rights (read: “slavery”). The only reason I can see wanting to display it is because you wish those soldiers hadn’t lost. And that’s kinda creepy.
But, that said, should your right to wave it be impeded? Absolutely not. I actually kinda like that you do — it seems more convenient than making you all wear “IDIOT” t-shirts and name tags. I deliver this prejudiced observation now without apology: I have never had an intelligent conversation with a person displaying a Confederate flag on their vehicle, home or person. I’m not saying it’s not possible — at least, not in theory. But many things are possible in theory. I’ll stick to observable phenomena, thanks. I’m nutty like that.
I guess the thing that drives me more insane than anything else is the Pledge of Allegiance. I’m not just talking about the “under god” part (though I do wish that would go away; it wasn’t even there to begin with), but the whole damn thing. Does it not creep anyone else out even a little bit that we make children swear a loyalty oath before school every morning? Remove the context of actually doing it for one minute, and try to look at it from the outside. Doesn’t it sound like something you’d do in a totalitarian state? I mean, many of the sentiments are okay (except the aforementioned under god thing), but overall, the concept just weirds me out. “Declare your loyalty, children!”
Is this really necessary? Are we that insecure as a people that we need our young citizens reassuring us of their patriotism on a daily basis? Here’s a crazy idea: make sure every child who walks away with a high school diploma can find his home state on a map. Make sure he also knows who his district’s legislators are, on both a national and a state level. Be absolutely certain they know how and why their vote counts, why they should pay taxes and other little trivial tidbits. Then let them decide for themselves if they pledge allegiance to the United States of America. If you do it right, I can almost guarantee they will.
I had to learn a lot of these things on my own — 12 years of public school never once taught me a lick of Geography, for one thing — and I reached that conclusion. This is a truly great country in many ways, my current political opinions notwithstanding. If the schools I attended had been more concerned with teaching me why America is great instead of just having me take it as given, I probably would have been much better off. Teaching a young child to chant his loyalty at an inanimate object is kinda like saying “be patriotic because I said so.” That’s a really easy way to spark rebellion in a free-thinking individual.
So yeah. I’m an unapologetic, flag-hating atheist. I’ve also worked my ass off for the military for the last 10 years, doing my small part to ensure that we’re protected. I pay taxes and I vote. I do my best (mostly) to stay informed about the world around me, and the decisions that move it forward.
The fact that I feel like I have to mention these things to offset my “blasphemous” essay scares me a little bit. One day, my job may require that I obtain a security clearance, and it actually doesn’t seem terribly unreasonable to me that unpopular ideas like this might harm my chances. I didn’t feel this way before all the flags started waving.