Dear Mr. Sarcasm,
Great, so now we know what creeps you out. Big damn deal. What enquiring minds really want to know is, what pisses you off? You just don’t seem to be the same angry, bitter guy that we knew and loved back in your prime. You’d think a divorce and financial ruin would keep you on track, but the last two months or so would say otherwise. So spill it. How do we really get you angry?
— Another Clever Name from Someplace
Dear Barely Even Trying:
What another fantastic letter, and not at all something I created myself as a set up. Man, it’s so great how people just keep writing in with questions, especially since I practically begged for them last week. You truly are the most thoughtful and responsive audience a guy could hope for, whoever the hell you are.
• People who can’t read, write and speak in their native language.
Ah yes, my old go-to. Really, would there even be a Sarcastic Voyage if I didn’t pull out this chestnut every so often? I do seem to have gained an ally in the fight — fellow internet e-mail checker Strong Bad regularly pummels his readers for their terribly constructed missives. But, apart from a cartoon wrestleman, whom I’m told isn’t even a real person, I feel pretty alone on this island some days. I used to think it was just because I spent most of my time reading stuff on the internet (where convenience supersedes correctness 10 times out of 10), but it’s as pervasive as ever out in the real world. You’d think by now that I’d get over seeing signs like “ADD FRIE’S FOR $1.00 MORE” or “WHY PAY MORE.” (period, not question mark.) Spelling and typos aren’t the same at all — I’m talking about simple grammar and punctuation here. Also: if you’re really so lazy that you feel the need to type “plz” instead of adding the two extra letters to form the word “please,” then you’re probably too lazy to breathe. So stop. We’ll both feel a lot better if you do. It may seem like I’m being petty here, but believe me when I tell you this: people like me are the only thing stopping “plz” turning into a redraft of the Constitution that begins “we teh ppl.”
• Alliteration.
Don’t ask me why — I just hate having more than one word beginning with the same letter next to each other. (Even “hate having” in that previous sentence made me itch a little.) It’s probably because it smacks of campy cuteness (argh), as though people think they’re the announcer from the old Batman series, shouting about “dynamic duo” this and “caped crusaders” that. It’s not cute or clever. All it does is call attention to the fact that you’re trying to be cute and clever, which completely negates the material in question.
• “Security.”
I called up my credit card company to make a payment not so long ago, and they asked me a question to verify my identity. Fine, I thought. Even though I already put in a unique PIN at the phone prompt, I’ll play along. Then they asked me another question. And a further three. They actually asked me personal questions so obscure that I had to look them up (stuff that pertained to previous addresses from a decade ago), and all to verify that the person trying to give them money is the same person whose name is on the card. Mind you, when they call me because my payment’s overdue, they don’t even bother to check if it’s me answering the phone. I understand the point of preventing identity theft and so on, but sweet mother of crap, just let me send you some money already. Paying bills should not be this difficult.
• All this mail!
Seriously people, I’m only one man. I can’t possibly answer every single one of the thousands of e-mails you bury me in every day.
• Recently, on a bag of Goldfish crackers…
…there were these four cute little cartoon Goldfish. Which is kinda cool — I’ve eaten these things for years, and they’ve never enjoyed the same pop culture success as, say, the Keebler elves or Snap, Crackle and Pop (I suppose that old Peppridge Farm guy probably counts, but you probably need a shovel to get a good likeness of him nowadays). I have absolutely no problem with them trying to associate their fine product with a lovable mascot or four. So the first one’s called Finn, which is neat little fish pun. (Puns don’t make me cringe quite as badly as alliteration, though they did send my ex-wife into murderous rages for some reason.) The next one is Brooke — equally clever in that dim-witted sort of way, I suppose. Then there’s Gilbert. Okay, I don’t really get that one, but maybe it’s like naming one guy differently for comedic effect, like “Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Clyde.” I can accept that. And then there’s the fourth goldfish. His name, and I swear to Dave Barry that I’m not making this up, is “X-Treme.” This is not an adjective they use to describe him, mind you. It’s meant to be his actual name. I… I don’t even have the words.
Thanks for writing!
