To: All MTV interns
From: Bailey Penfield, Executive Vice President
Subject: General Operating Guidelines
Welcome, interns! We hope you will enjoy your experience here at MTV, American pop culture’s primary source of new trends.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently–MTV (and its sister networks Nickelodeon, Comedy Central and VH1) is run entirely by you, the inexperienced college interns. It’s a well-established trade secret that a trained monkey could run a television network such as MTV. Rather than incurring the heavy cost involved in the purchase and maintenance of non-human primates, however, MTV executives felt that a barely trained staff of unpaid interns would provide “learning” opportunities to you, the youth of America, not to mention a scapegoat in the event that some unfortunate Standards and Practices violation happens to slip through.
But I won’t bore you with dry network executive lingo. You’re here to work, and we think that you’ll find MTV the most comfortable and hip working environment ever! We doubt, for example, that you’ll find another workplace with such a casual attitude toward drug and alcohol use. If you haven’t yet read your orientation pamphlet (“Drugs and Booze: If We Don’t See It, You’re Not Doing It”), I urge you to do so now. Also, many jobs that you’re likely to have later in life will probably forbid things like body piercings and tattoos. Not MTV! Not only do we encourage your indulgence in various established fashion trends (such as those mentioned above), we also welcome anything that might be considered “cutting edge” or “the next big thing.”
As far as your actual job is concerned, just remember to keep things laid-back. MTV empathizes with Generation X and the “slacker” movement, and as such does not require much in the way of “work” from our unpaid interns. Really, there’s only one rule that everyone needs to remember to keep things flowing smoothly. If you forget everything we tell you (and we expect that), please don’t forget this most essential regulation: do not, under any circumstances, program any music videos whatsoever. The era of “all music all the time” has long since gone the way of the dodo and New Kids on the Block. Videos are now seen as an important commodity, to be played exclusively by us (the executives) when (and only when) we wish to introduce the next Ricky Martin or N-SYNC. Interns are not skilled in the vastly complicated marketing formulas that MTV uses to calculate what the youth of America will like, and are therefore asked to consider music videos off-limits.
Everything else in our archives, however, is fair game. In fact, we encourage you to form random blocks of programming–the more incomprehensible the better. Given the average attention span of our key demographic, MTV has determined that “programming schedules” as such are pretty much worthless. Did you like the 1996 MTV Movie Awards? Go ahead and show them again, twice in one week if you like! Are you a big Real World fan? Two or three day marathons are always great, but remember: the less notice, the better. We’ve determined from years of research that nothing goes over better than an unannounced solid block of the same program for forty-eight hours solid. Knock yourselves out!
I cannot stress enough the random approach to programming schedules. Don’t let ten feet of snow in December be a deterrent from showing sixteen hours of Beach Party MTV. After all, we’re a global venture here, and it is actually summer in December in the Southern Hemisphere! Bet they didn’t tell you about that in college!
Don’t let the brevity of certain programs hinder your programming either–commercials are your friend. As many of you interns majoring in Communications already know, commercials pay for the programming. There’s no such thing as too many commercials, therefore. The more you show them, the more money we (the executives) make!
Speaking of commercials, be sure to make room for movie specials. Our regular “MTV exclusive behind-the-scenes” specials not only fill troublesome gaps in programming, but they also effectively serve as 30-60 minute commercials for the movie in question. These programs really make everyone happy–the stars and directors get affordable plugs, the network makes money and you interns get to learn about a movie that everyone in the country is about to like.
Finally, if any of the VJs annoy you, try not to let it bother you too much. None of them will be around for very long. Remember Adam Curry and Kennedy? Neither do we.
We hope that your employment here at MTV is an enjoyable experience for you and a profitable one for us. If you have any questions, just watch some of our quality shows for awhile. You’ll forget your question soon enough.
Regards,
— Bailey T. Penfield
Executive VP in Charge of Interns and Groundskeeping