A few months ago, on the Bendis board (this is a bit of a redundant phrase — everything I did a few months ago was on the Bendis board), the subject of “worst superhero movie ever made” was brought up.
A great debate raged, as they often tend to do when nerds are presented with the task of proclaiming any kind of superlative, particularly one so close to their hearts. There were, of course, many candidates — the 80s and early 90s being an especially terrible period for the genre. Special mention should go to Roger Corman’s tragically unreleased Fantastic Four, the movie where Reed Richards’ graying temples were applied with silver paint. You can tell because the tops of his ears are actually silver in some close-ups. Seriously.
But I believe that sequels to good movies are deserving of their own special level of criticism, because really: how bad can a movie be if your expectations are low to begin with? On the other hand, present us with the next chapter in a mighty saga and we’re really hoping for more of the same. We’ve overcome the initial doubts that our beloved hero can be brought to the screen and now we just want you to serve up what you did before, only a little different. Screwing up something like that, it seems to me, takes a special kind of ineptitude that a Roger Corman would simply never have to deal with. Now throw in the undisputed top two iconic figures in superhero comics, Superman and Batman, and baby, you’ve got a stew going.
And so we come to the central issue, raised by my Bendis board friend, JR. What truly is the worst superhero movie ever made: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace or Batman and Robin?
The more I thought about it, the less certain I was. For on the surface, these two movies are remarkably similar. They’re both the fourth (and last) in film series that perfectly demonstrated the Law of Diminishing Returns. Both have since been vindicated by new, slate-cleaning re-imaginings, but only after languishing for years in production hell. Both featured esteemed actors and experienced directors.
But that’s where the similarities end. Both are terrible, terrible movies to be sure, but for entirely different reasons. Superman IV, for instance, managed to retain the entire core cast that it had since the first installment (Reeve, Kidder, Hackman; even Perry White and Jimmy Olsen). Batman and Robin, on the other hand, held on to only two of its original supporting actors (Alfred the butler and Commissioner Gordon).
On the other hand, Superman IV chose to ignore a half century of comic book history in choosing its new featured characters, and instead invented its own unique-to-the-screen players, including Lacy Warfield, The Nuclear Man and Jon Cryer as Lex Luthor’s nephew, Lenny. (Do you have any idea how painful it is for me to even type that? DO YOU?!) Here, Batman and Robin managed to stay somewhat true to its roots. (That sentence was even more painful.) The new characters in this film included Bane, Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze, all established long ago in the comics and the far superior animated series.
Superman IV suffered serious budget losses due to a terrible mishandling of the rights. Batman and Robin enjoyed a fairly substantial budget. And so it goes down the line — both movies are awful, but each in entirely its own way. As such, it’s impossible to do a side-by-side comparison in the abstract. Because, think about it: is it worse to see actors you’ve come to know and love, cashing in for one last time, or is it worse to see Hollywood’s flavor of the month taking up the mantle for each new sequel? Is it better that a terrible movie ruin characters you never cared about anyway, or to at least care enough to use characters you’ve heard of? It’s really hard to say.
Unless, I suppose, someone actually sits down and watches them both. And I guess that’s what this is going to come down to.
I am ashamed to admit that I own Superman IV (as an unwanted part of a box set), but I’m going to have to acquire Batman and Robin from Netflix. And thank goodness for that — as much as I do want to settle this issue, I’m certainly not going to shell out any extra money for it. Plus, the inevitable zero-star rating can only help Netflix’s artificial intelligence better learn my tastes.
So next week, I report the results of my terrible experiment. I’m doing this so that you don’t have to. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices I make in the name of science.