Unlike most unknown writers living in small towns, I’ve actually seen national publication. Unlike most people that have been published, however, I somehow remained a loser despite this. Allow me to explain.
It was a slow day on America Online. It was 1995– more than a year before “unlimited monthly access” would bring hordes of teenaged boys craving cyber-sex, rendering AOL’s mostly-pleasant chat rooms intolerable. Like a good geek, I was spending my Friday night in front of my computer and discussing Star Trek. The usual chatter was abruptly halted with the arrival of a new screenname– a person claiming, as people sometimes did for some odd reason, to be William Shatner. I heckled for a bit (as was frequently the case in those early and blissful days of the internet) and moved onward to something more interesting, but no doubt equally geeky.
Turns out that “ShatnerWil” was actually who he claimed to be, and he was online in conjunction with Entertainment Weekly magazine. An e-mail with an attached photo followed minutes later, along with a request to allow my chat to be printed in a forthcoming article. Naturally, being the ham that I am, I granted the permission eagerly.
About two weeks later, the issue (dated October 13, 1995) was released. Not only was the article published, but it was a cover story. I thumbed eagerly through the article right there in the store, hoping to discover a performance that was at the very least unembarassing. What follows is what I read.
COUNTERFEIT BILLS
THE CAPTAIN LOGS ON TO PROVE HE’S THE ONE AND ONLY SHATNER
by Erin Richter, with additional reporting by Lisa Milbrand
SPACE WAS NOT the final frontier. Though William Shatner spent three years on TV exploring other galaxies as Star Trek’s Captain James T. Kirk, he faced a tough enough mission here on Earth at the end of September, when he tried to persuade an online chat room full of Trekkies that he’s the real deal.
We escorted him to America Online’s Star Trek forum. We knew this would be a hard sell: AOL’s membership directory already boasted six people claiming to be William Shatner. Still, sitting in his L.A. office, surrounded by Star Trek posters, family photos, and books, he was prepared to survey this alien territory. After creating a temporary screen name for him, setting him up with a speedy modem and a speedier typist, we set off, interrupting a random conversation about tacos.
ShatnerWil: There seems to be some question as to who is the real William Shatner. At last count, there were six people pretending…get out of my way. The seventh is the real one.
AlexandAM: I am William Shatner, dammit.
ShatnerWil: AlexandAM…do you have a mole on your a**?
AlexandAM: No.
ShatnerWil: No? Then you’re not the real William Shatner.
AAlgar 02 jumped in with questions about Shatner’s 1968 album, The Transformed Man, and his performance at the 1992 MTV Movie Awards. After nine minutes AAlgar 02 was convinced, but had one last question.
AAlgar 02: Star Trek V–what were you thinking?
ShatnerWil: Blind panic. I was hoping someone knew what they were doing.
Virtual ears began to prick up.
STLEEFT: When’s your birthday?
ShatnerWil: Birthday’s March 22nd. I hesitate at the year.
STLEEFT: He got his b-day right.
UPLINK: Anybody could do that.
Then Shatner revealed his business acumen by plugging his new CD-ROM game, William Shatner’s TekWar, based on the sci-fi concept he developed for novels and TV–to which Portrait6 responded: Is this Shatner guy an infomercial? Shatner vowed not to talk about TekWar for five minutes, then inquired if anyone needed a skin peel.
CrusherDr: If you are HE, then welcome. If you are not, then get a life.
Minealmine (a friend of mine): Well, real Shatner or not, I wish I could type that fast.
In between addressing cynics, Shatner talked about plans for book sequels, his horses, and what scene was cut from the beginning of Star Trek Generations. After 30 minutes, several seemed torn between skepticism and belief.
JoJo Bo911: What day were these words first spoken on TV? “Space, the final frontier.”
ShatnerWil: A momentous day in Sept….I never know these things.
Eurayle918: Shatner doesn’t talk like that. I met him once. He has an ego bigger than Texas.
ShatnerWil: I’m sorry to hear that…actually, I don’t know what ego means…it takes a certain amount of chutzpah to think that writing something on paper will interest you or standing in front of a camera will entertain you, so if that’s ego, I have one.
After 45 minutes, we decided to offer some proof: We E-mailed a picture of Shatner holding that morning’s Los Angeles Times to the 63 people in the room, and within five minutes the majority surrendered.
The picture
MiramaneeB (another friend): It’s really him, guys.
Ltjg Taela: I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Bill. I do now.
MEKARE123: Bill, you are my idol!
JoJo Bo911: I love you, Bill!
T Taco: What a bunch of gullible people.
JSnyder400: You are my God, Bill.
T Taco: And I’m Leonard Nimoy!
BiJik: From the Klingon High Command, Live Long Kirk!
UPLINK: Holy Toledo–it’s really you. I just got my picture, I apologize for being a jerk!
Frequent celebrity imposters have made online users cautious, so much so that Shatner says he had to imitate himself to convince them. The real Shatner, he says, “might have been too laid back or relaxed or something. They needed to hear the persona I project at times.” As 14-year-old WRBOSS1 (William Boschelli) attested after witnessing the trespass, “People believe you are who you say you are–unless you’re famous.”
Okay, admittedly this portrays me as something of a geek, but you can’t deny that I got some good heckling in there. One incident in particular– in which he explained his performance at the MTV awards (him “singing” each of the songs nominated for Best Song From a Movie accompanied only by bongo drums and xylophones)– was absolutely brilliant. “We were originally going to do that with a full orchestra,” he told me (I’m paraphrasing, but I promise that this is the basic gist of what was said), “but I’d been riding my horse that day and I fell and hit my head. At that moment, it occured to me that bongo drums and xylophones would be the way to go. I realize only in hindsight that this wasn’t the best of ideas.”
I really wish that I’d saved the particulars of those nine minutes; I’m sure they were extraordinarily witty. You’ll just have to take my word for it.
Unfortunately, EW wouldn’t answer my e-mails requesting employment based on this performance, nor would Mr. Shatner acknowledge my existence after that point. I’m tempted to face him down at a Star Trek convention someday, just to see if he remembers me. In the meantime though, I’ll just have to be satisfied with my brief flirtation with “fame.” Some people are just really easy to please, I guess.
Article and pictures used without permission from Entertainment Weekly or William Shatner.