aalgar.com

You have to read this stuff.

These are all actual e-mails I’ve received in response to some thing or another that I’ve done. I have found great amusement or annoyance (often both) in them, and I think you will too. I have resisted the very strong urge to correct the spelling and grammar, if only because I feel that would somehow lessen the impact. Just keep reading; you’ll see what I mean.

(For a more extensive explanation of the RealBaby phenomenon, take a look at the Sarcastic Voyage from 3/17/02, but be prepared to encounter some profanity.)

@$!# Tourette Misunderstanding

Coprolalia is the correct name for that part of Tourette Syndrome that is typified by uncontrollable cursing. Only 30% of Tourette Syndrome sufferers have Coprolalia. I’m so glad you found this devastating syndrome to be so humourous that you chose to propagate this misconception in your ‘article’.

New York is not the only city to host a Tourette Syndrome Chapter or Association, nor is this Syndrome only found in New York. It is a disorder found all over the world, with thousands of sufferers. Ignorant assholes [my emphasis. — AAl] like yourself, who think it is humorous to make fun of that which they do not understand, merely make my life, and the lives of other people who have Tourette’s, even more hate- and discrimination-filled than they already are. Thank you so much.



Don’t Tease!

About your web site entitled, “Save the rock stars”, with Metallica. I just wanted to let you know that it is illegal to publish false quotes about someone. Think twice about doing it again!



Stoopid Me

how can you be so stoopid?! it’s not john lennon’s voice saying ‘number nine’ on revolution # 9!!! the sound was taken from a sound engineer annoucing on of the takes. stop yo jibba jabba foo’1 ma van go helluva fast!

My response:
1. I can’t recall ever having said that.

2. Who the hell are you??

The e-mailer’s rebuttal:
it’s on your website bitch

My response:
This may shock and surprise you, but I don’t have all 500 or so pages of my website committed to memory.

Also, you’re awfully hostile for a Beatles fan. Ever heard the one about the love you make and the love you take?

The e-mailer’s rebuttal:
i don”t want your lovin fag, so am not givin you any.



RealBaby Requests

1) i would like more information on the doll do u have pictures of the dolls.

2) I would like to know how much the real baby cost and what races and sex do they come in?

3) Hello.  Are your real baby dolls still available?  My two granddaughters are really each wanting one.  I couldn’t get them last year for them and they are asking again this year for them.  Please let me know ASAP.  [Name, e-mail address and credit card (!!) withheld].    Thank you very much

4) i would like to know how much these dolls cost write to me at [e-mail address withheld]

5) How do I go about olding a real Baby doll
Thanks [mailing address withheld]

6) Hi! i wandered into your website and found the realbaby… can you please send me more information on your realbaby?? thank you!!!

7)  please send me information to order  this doll.i would like to get this as a gift for my eleven year old.would prefer an afro-american doll.

Hello!
I am italian and i collect dolls.
only baby dolls.
I need to see your real baby..for to shop because by internet is not possible to see it.
Is possible for you send me a catalogue?
And some information about real baby?

9) How can i purchase a ‘REALBABY’and how soon can it be delivered.

10) How much money is your real baby doll

11) How can i purchase a ‘REALBABY’and how soon can it be delivered. [different e-mail from the same address as request # 9; received two days later]

12) Hi I’m interrested in your “real baby doll” I wanted to know how much they are and I would like to see a better picture of it. thank you.

13) Is there any number that I can call to order Real Baby, or how can I order? Is Real Baby for a parent who is expecting a baby, or is this for a child?

14)How much does the Real Baby cost?

15)How much does the Real Baby cost?

16)[Subject: "buying areal baby"] please contact me at [website, not e-mail address]

My stock response:
Please look more closely at my webpage. IT’S A JOKE! I do not sell live babies wrapped in cellophane, and the fact that you want one troubles me.

Rebuttals:
1) oh well i didnt get yuour stupid joke i thought u were saying that they look that real. and i dont get it, what is so funny about that its dumb.

2) you have a problem

3) o im really sorry(sorry for breathing then dont publish crap that aint real)



iTari requests

1) I want an Itari, how do I get one and how much do they cost? And where do I find the new games for it? or do you have them yet? please email me back soon! thanks!
bye,
Always-Jeff

2) Hi,

My name is John and I live in Australia. Where do I get one of these new iTaris ???

They look sensational. I run a pre-loved video games business, can I would like to becom a distributor for Australia if possible.

Please let me know.

Cheers

John

My stock response:
Yes, you can get an iTari. Please send $1 million to:

I.M. Gullible

c/o S. Claus

North Pole

Dear Governor Glendening:

First of all, while I have your attention, let me quickly say that I’m a big fan. I love what you’ve done with the state during your time in office, from protecting the crucial wetlands of southern Maryland (some call them “swamps”, but we know better) to changing Baltimore’s official title from “Syphilis Capital of the Nation” to “The City That Reads” (quite an improvement!) to what I consider your master stroke— overtaxing us to the point of creating an enormous surplus that rivals that of the federal government. My hat is off to you, sir!

But this just isn’t a fan letter. You’re a very busy man, and I’m sure that (no matter how much you’d like to) you simply don’t have the time to read every single piece of fan mail that shows up in your mailbox. So let’s cut to the chase, shall we? (That’s “hip Generation X” speak for “I’m moving on to the important stuff now”; I apologize in advance if my unusual mode of speech proves at all perplexing to you.)

Are you aware, sir, of a delicious crustacean known as the crab? Being the governor of the crab producingest state in the entire country, I’d be willing to wager that you do. Unfortunately, most of the rest of the country doesn’t share this knowledge. Sure, to Marylanders like you and I, the crab is, and always has been, a staple of our very existence. They pinch our toes when we wade past them in the Chesapeake (not to mention its lovely tributaries), they scuttle about sideways in an adorable manner that is unique to their species and (perhaps most importantly) their scrumptious meat can be obtained using only a small wooden mallet and a blunt metal instrument of some sort.

But in a recent poll of my out-of-state friends, an appalling 27% were even aware that Maryland is responsible for supplying most of the rest of the country with crabs. That’s no typo, Mr. Governor— twenty-seven percent! (And just to compensate for the possibility that I could have made a typo twice in a row, I’ll also say it in Spanish: veinte y siete por ciento!) Clearly, something needs to be done about this. Marylanders throughout our nearly four hundred year history have given their lives for the noble pursuit of crabbing and crab-related industry. The word must be spread. And that, sir, is why I have chosen to write to you today.

I am, by trade, a writer/entertainer. As such, I felt it was my duty to submit to you a few creative suggestions for improving Maryland Crab Awareness across the nation (possibly even internationally). Please give these suggestions fair consideration, and feel more than free to use one or all of them. I seek no compensation for these submissions— the very necessary education of the world supercedes any desire for personal glory. This is a very serious issue, and I’m sure you, as a supremely competent governor, will give it your utmost attention.

Yours Ever-So Sincerely,

Ron “AAlgar” Watt

P.S. I know I said I didn’t want anything in return, but could I, if you find the time, possibly trouble you for an autographed 8×10? Lt. Governor Townsend was good enough to provide me with one recently and a complete collection would really make my day.

My first suggestion might seem a bit unpalatable at first, but one day we must face the fact that product advertising is as much a part of our lives as inhaling (or even exhaling). I say that day should be today.

Further, rather than “getting our feet wet” with “safe” ads, I reccommend we jump right in with a full assault. The following is an example of just one of the ads we might consider to increase Crab Awareness— the ultra-hip, instantly recognizable Absolut Vodka campaign.

My second suggestion is a bit tamer, though it might take a little persuasion on the part of your office. It involves pulling the already-minted Maryland state quarter from circulation and creating a totally new coin from scratch.

Think about it, sir— do you really give a rat’s ass (pardon my French) about the “state house” that presently adorns our respective twenty-five cent piece? And if you don’t, I can assure you that the rest of the country holds it in even less regard than you.

So I propose a new quarter (see below). There’s also an added bonus to this situation— by recalling the old “state house” quarters, we will no doubt drive up their value tremendously. Think about how many coin collectors you’ll make positively ecstatic with a move like that, and then think about how many of those collectors vote! Everybody wins!

Did you ever wonder why Baltimore’s new football team is called the “Ravens”? I sure as heck do. I guess it has something to do with Edgar Allen Poe or something. Pretty dumb, if you ask me.

A crab, on the other hand, would be the perfect mascot for Charm City’s ailing team. Can you think of a more ideal metaphor for a lateral play than a crab scuttling from side-to-side? I sure can’t!

Renaming the team “The Baltimore Crabs” will not only provide a much-needed morale boost for the presently-named Ravens (they finished an appalling 8-8 last year, but you already knew that), but just think of the fun sports writers will have starting in 2004, when Newark, New Jersey receives its planned expansion team, the Pubic Region!

Best of all, this idea means we can scrap boring old “PSINet” (who?) Stadium and offer sponsorship to local seafood interests. I wouldn’t miss a game in “Cap’n Billy’s Stadium”, and I’m sure you wouldn’t either!

And finally… what’s a public awareness campaign without bumper stickers? The following hilarious examples are a few that I, personally, would be more than willing to slap on the back of my car (if only it didn’t decrease the actual value of my vehicle)!